Glossary entry (derived from question below)
Russian term or phrase:
Бог, внимательнее За ним присматривай
English translation:
God, please look after him more carefully..
Added to glossary by
marta-ingrid
Nov 28, 2006 10:40
17 yrs ago
Russian term
Works in: English to Spanish, Russian to Spanish, Italian to Spanish, and 1 more.
Бог, внимательнее За ним присматривай
Russian to English
Art/Literary
Poetry & Literature
I'm looking for the translation into English of the following line by Tsvetaeva consagrated to Lev Gumilev, Akhmatova's son (within Poems to Akhmatova):
«Бог, внимательнее
За ним присматривай:
Царский сын – гадательней
Остальных сынов
Could you help me?
Zaranee spasivo,
Marta
«Бог, внимательнее
За ним присматривай:
Царский сын – гадательней
Остальных сынов
Could you help me?
Zaranee spasivo,
Marta
Proposed translations
(English)
| 5 +2 | God, please look after him more carefully.. |
Clive Wilshin
|
| 4 +3 | God, keep your careful eye on him |
Mylord
|
| 2 +3 | см. |
Kirill Semenov
|
| 3 +2 | Watch carefully over him, oh God |
Evgeny Terekhin
|
Proposed translations
+2
3 hrs
Clive Wilshin
Native in English
Works in field
Translations that read like originals
Native in: English
Works in: Russian to English, French to English
Related KudoZ points
:
4
Selected
God, please look after him more carefully..
внимательнее is comparative, is it not? The other suggested answers seem to take no notice of this fact. God is asked to look after the Czar's son *more* carefully [than others] because the son of a Czar is "more problematic" (гадательней) than other sons.
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Note added at 3 hrs (2006-11-28 14:20:15 GMT)
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"Watch" over him more carefully would be better still.
(Actually, as this is poetry, I would personally go for something more elevated such as: "Do thou, O God, watch more tenderly over him." But however you translate it, you must respect the comparative force of the adverb.)
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Note added at 4 hrs (2006-11-28 15:02:18 GMT)
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Elina says above "The verb in English need not be comparative because there's nothing to compare to (can't say "watch more carefully" - more than what?"
The answer is "than others"; it is obvious, and can be supplied from what follows (ostal'nykh synov). Especially in poetry one need not spell everything out. Once again, ignoring the comparative deprives the ensuing explanation of its force.
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Note added at 4 hrs (2006-11-28 15:06:33 GMT)
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An alternative version that brings out the force of the comparative but may seem more palatable to those who object to the "hanging" 'more carefully': "Do thou, O God, take especial care of him..."
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Note added at 3 hrs (2006-11-28 14:20:15 GMT)
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"Watch" over him more carefully would be better still.
(Actually, as this is poetry, I would personally go for something more elevated such as: "Do thou, O God, watch more tenderly over him." But however you translate it, you must respect the comparative force of the adverb.)
--------------------------------------------------
Note added at 4 hrs (2006-11-28 15:02:18 GMT)
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Elina says above "The verb in English need not be comparative because there's nothing to compare to (can't say "watch more carefully" - more than what?"
The answer is "than others"; it is obvious, and can be supplied from what follows (ostal'nykh synov). Especially in poetry one need not spell everything out. Once again, ignoring the comparative deprives the ensuing explanation of its force.
--------------------------------------------------
Note added at 4 hrs (2006-11-28 15:06:33 GMT)
--------------------------------------------------
An alternative version that brings out the force of the comparative but may seem more palatable to those who object to the "hanging" 'more carefully': "Do thou, O God, take especial care of him..."
Note from asker:
| Ogromnoe spasivo! |
Peer comment(s):
| neutral |
Tevah_Trans
: While the form of the verb is technically comparative, the text has nothing to compare to (when mom says "будь повнимательнее в дороге", or something, this would be generally translated "be careful on your way". Tenderly is good though, I like it.
42 mins
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To ignore the comparative is also to render meaningless the words that follow, which explain the comparative.
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| agree |
zhop (X)
: take especial care of him... And we should trust the feel of a native speaker, especially when it comes to poetry.If the comparative is disregarded here, then it will be just a casual talk, not poetry.
9 hrs
|
| agree |
Andrew Vdovin
: "take especial care of him" is good
12 hrs
|
4 KudoZ points awarded for this answer.
+3
7 mins
Kirill Semenov
Ukraine
Ukraine
Native in Russian
Specializes in field
Ukraine
60+ books translated and published
Native in: Russian 
Works in: English to Russian, Russian
Related KudoZ points
:
381
см.
Имя ребенка -- Лев,
Матери -- Анна.
В имени его -- гнев,
В материнском -- тишь.
Волосом -- он -- рыж,
-- Голова тюльпана!--
Что ж, осанна
Маленькому царю.
Дай ему Бог -- вздох
И улыбку матери,
Взгляд -- искателя
Жемчугов.
Бог, внимательней
За ним присматривай:
Царский сын -- гадательней
Остальных сынов.
http://www.geocities.com/paris/leftbank/3381/ahmatovoj.html
Mother's name is Anna,
Lev - of the child.
In his name is fury,
In her is quiet.
Red is his hair -
Tulip's head!
So, Hossanah
To the little tsar!
God give him lungs
And the smile of Mom
And a look of
Pearl-seeking one.
God, attentively
Look after him:
Tsar's son's more divine
Than the other sons.
http://www.kuzbass.ru/moshkow/koi/POEZIQ/CWETAEWA/sbornik_en...
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Note added at 9 mins (2006-11-28 10:50:20 GMT)
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То есть, сама фраза: "God, attentively Look after him"
Я не в восторге, это подстрочник.
Матери -- Анна.
В имени его -- гнев,
В материнском -- тишь.
Волосом -- он -- рыж,
-- Голова тюльпана!--
Что ж, осанна
Маленькому царю.
Дай ему Бог -- вздох
И улыбку матери,
Взгляд -- искателя
Жемчугов.
Бог, внимательней
За ним присматривай:
Царский сын -- гадательней
Остальных сынов.
http://www.geocities.com/paris/leftbank/3381/ahmatovoj.html
Mother's name is Anna,
Lev - of the child.
In his name is fury,
In her is quiet.
Red is his hair -
Tulip's head!
So, Hossanah
To the little tsar!
God give him lungs
And the smile of Mom
And a look of
Pearl-seeking one.
God, attentively
Look after him:
Tsar's son's more divine
Than the other sons.
http://www.kuzbass.ru/moshkow/koi/POEZIQ/CWETAEWA/sbornik_en...
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Note added at 9 mins (2006-11-28 10:50:20 GMT)
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То есть, сама фраза: "God, attentively Look after him"
Я не в восторге, это подстрочник.
Note from asker:
| Spasivo. Very very useful! :-) |
Peer comment(s):
| agree |
Nicola (Mr.) Nobili
7 mins
|
| agree |
Henry Schroeder
51 mins
|
| disagree |
Clive Wilshin
: The adverb is comparative. See my answer for explanation.
3 hrs
|
| agree |
Tevah_Trans
: Thanks for posting the poem and the links.
4 hrs
|
| agree |
ochkarik
: с тем, что это подстрочник и не везде точный
8 hrs
|
+2
19 mins
Evgeny Terekhin
United States
United States
Native in Russian
Specializes in field
United States
ATA-certified: literary, medical, SEO
Native in: Russian
Works in: English to Russian, Russian to English, Ukrainian to English
Related KudoZ points
:
40
Watch carefully over him, oh God
можно так
Peer comment(s):
| agree |
Olga Cartlidge
: Or Do watch over him
17 mins
|
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спасибо
|
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| agree |
Galina F
: здорово
2 hrs
|
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спасибо
|
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| disagree |
Clive Wilshin
: Again, it is "more carefully" -- the comparative cannot be ignored.
3 hrs
|
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спасибо за совет
|
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| agree |
Tevah_Trans
: I would use Clive's "Tenderly", but the verb in English need not be comparative because there's nothing to compare to (can't say "watch more carefully" - more than what?? Ignore comparative in this case with certainty.
3 hrs
|
|
спасибо
|
+3
9 mins
God, keep your careful eye on him
I suggest this variant.
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Note added at 34 mins (2006-11-28 11:15:24 GMT)
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I suggest this tramslation for the whole phrase:
God, keep your careful eye on him,
Ruler's son needs defence more than other sons....
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Note added at 34 mins (2006-11-28 11:15:24 GMT)
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I suggest this tramslation for the whole phrase:
God, keep your careful eye on him,
Ruler's son needs defence more than other sons....
Note from asker:
| Spasivo! :-) |
| I think that you have solved very well this "gadatelney" translating as "more defence". Now it's clearer for me :-) Thank you! |
Peer comment(s):
| agree |
Alexander Demyanov
12 mins
|
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Thank you!
|
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| agree |
Smantha
1 hr
|
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Thank you!
|
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| agree |
Karen Sughyan
1 hr
|
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Thank you!
|
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| disagree |
Clive Wilshin
: I am rather shocked that so many translators ignore a comparative adverb.
3 hrs
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agree with Kirill (see above)
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| agree |
Tevah_Trans
: This will do as well. I still don't know what "gadatel'nyi" means, and I don't think it's defense though, but may be close.
3 hrs
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Thank you Elina. Sure defence is not the exact word to my opinion 'gadatel'nij' is used in the meaning of problematic here, and the author wanted to emphasize that tsar's son needs defence more than others do.
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Discussion