Sep 6, 2007 16:17
16 yrs ago
Russian term
professional writer and translator
Native in: English 
, Russian
Works in: Russian to English, English to Russian
не дышал, а стучал колесами поезда
Russian to English
Art/Literary
Poetry & Literature
Его дыхание участилось. Собственно, он уже не дышал, а стучал колесами поезда, подъезжающего к платформе
Proposed translations
(English)
Change log
Sep 6, 2007 16:17: changed "Kudoz queue" from "In queue" to "Public"
Proposed translations
+4
21 mins
Alexander Demyanov
Native in Russian
Specializes in field
Software Engineering background
Native in: Russian
Works in: English, Russian, Russian to English, and 1 more.
Related KudoZ points
:
112
Selected
In fact, now he was not so much breathing as panting ...
...to the clickety-clack of the approaching train
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Note added at 1 hr (2007-09-06 17:20:29 GMT)
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It may be good to replace "now" with "at this point"
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Note added at 1 hr (2007-09-06 17:20:29 GMT)
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It may be good to replace "now" with "at this point"
Peer comment(s):
| neutral |
Mark Berelekhis
: Alexander, nice sentence structure with 'he was not so much breathing as,' but I don't think 'panting' works. Also, 'clickety-clack?' It's a train, not a typewriter. Doesn't fit whatsoever.
7 mins
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Thanks for your comment, Mark, but you should really rely more on research and less on your gut convictions. Look up both "panting" and "clickety-clack" in a dictionary.
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| agree |
Henry Schroeder
: I like the clickety-clack best of a nicely translated sentence. I might jettison now -since it must be obvious from the context and disturbs the reading, but that's subjective // Talk about "subjective"! Mark and I had a completely diff. reaction!
9 mins
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Thanks, Henry!
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| agree |
tutta_karlson
4 hrs
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Thanks, Tutta!
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| agree |
Rita Marshall
: His breathing became laboured like the clicking of the wheels of a train as it pulls up at a platform.
13 hrs
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Thanks for your grade, Rita! However, I have a couple of problems with your suggested wording and am not quite sure why a complete re-write would belong to a grading comment.
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| agree |
Yavor Dimitrov
: A nice rendition of the original sentence.
19 hrs
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Thanks, Tangra!
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4 KudoZ points awarded for this answer.
Comment: "I think I'll substitute "clickety-clack" with something, but otherwise this is a very well constructed sentence. Thanks to all!"
12 mins
Mark Berelekhis
United States
United States
Native in Russian
&
English
Specializes in field
United States
Exemplary quality, truly bilingual
Native in: Russian 
, English
Works in: Russian to English, English to Russian, English
Related KudoZ points
:
666
several ideas below
In truth, he no longer breathed, but thumped with the wheels of the train, which was approaching the platform.
In truth, he ceased to breathe, instead thumping with the wheels of the train, which was approaching the platform.
I think 'thumping' is the best option for the context.
(Also consider changing the end of the sentence to 'the wheels of the platform approaching train.' It's not a common form, but you can get away with it here, and it flows better this way.)
In truth, he ceased to breathe, instead thumping with the wheels of the train, which was approaching the platform.
I think 'thumping' is the best option for the context.
(Also consider changing the end of the sentence to 'the wheels of the platform approaching train.' It's not a common form, but you can get away with it here, and it flows better this way.)
Peer comment(s):
| neutral |
Alexander Demyanov
: I don't like either "no longer breathed" or "ceased to breathe": both imply an interruption in breathing. Nor do I think "thumping" fits particularly well here + 100% w/Jim//Youre definitely entitled to believe that, but no reference supports the belief
38 mins
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'but thumped' and 'instead thumping' both indicate that it's not an interruption. And I would also suggest at researching 'thumping' with regard to 'trains,' rather than 'thinking.' I'm positive that it fits far better than 'clickety clack.'
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| neutral |
Jim Tucker (X)
: 'the wheels of the platform approaching train.' It's not a common form, but you can get away with it here, -- no you can't - you should, theoretically, but you can't - "wheels of the train approaching the platform"or "wheels of the train as it approached
49 mins
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I don't see whynot. It's clear enough.
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| neutral |
Olga Layer
: Agree with Jim. While "колеса подъезжающего к платформе поезда" sounds fine in Russian, in English "the wheels of the platform approaching train" sounds awkward and actually implies that the platform is the one with wheels.
2 hrs
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Thanks for your opinion, Olga.
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16 hrs
Andrew Vdovin
Native in Russian
Specializes in field
DELVING into DETAIL
Native in: Russian
Works in: English to Russian, Russian, Russian to English, and 2 more.
Related KudoZ points
:
88
In fact, his breathing was now more like a train approaching the platform, its wheels clattering.
In fact, his breathing was now more like a train approaching the platform, its wheels clattering.
OR:
In fact, his breathing was now more like wheels clattering when a train approaches the platform.
...wheels clitter-clattering...
OR:
In fact, his breathing was now more like wheels clattering when a train approaches the platform.
...wheels clitter-clattering...
18 hrs
no longer breathing but clicking together with the wheels of a train
"He was no longer breathing but clicking together with the wheels of a train pulling up at the platform"
Wheels of a train click on joints – faster or slower, but clicking is what they do. So, I suppose the character you are translating about was anxious about some train. Perhaps he was on that train and wanted it to move faster.
Wheels of a train click on joints – faster or slower, but clicking is what they do. So, I suppose the character you are translating about was anxious about some train. Perhaps he was on that train and wanted it to move faster.
Peer comment(s):
| neutral |
Alexander Demyanov
: I see a couple of problems with this suggestion: 1. "No longer breathing" is a bit harsh. 2. There aren't many joints near a platform - 1 or 2, maybe - compare w/"дыхание участилось". 3. If he were "on that train", why "A train"?
1 hr
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Discussion